-Who's that?
- You want- you want to knock that off?
- Sorry, sir.
You new?
- Yeah, matter of fact I am.
Special assignment, anti-terrorism division.
- He's a little small to be a guard dog, isn't he?
- You know what kind of animal that is?
- Wiener dog?
- This is a dachshund, badger hound.
This animal is trained to sniff out chemical and nuclear agents.
- He can smell nuclear agents?
- He frickin' loves nuclear agents.
Now, security officer...
Fadagucci,
if you don't mind,
we got some work to do.
- Yes, sir.
- Be a good boy.
Take a seat, there you go.
What?
What the--
[electronic beeping]
[dog wheezing]
Harry.
Harry, you got to shut up.
- Monitor, room 438.
- 438.
- Yeah, who's the guy with the wiener dog,
fondling the cashmere?
- Captain.
Captain.
- 438, tell that cop
that sweater ain't gonna fit that dog.
[sirens blaring]
- This neighborhood has gone to shit.
I remember when this was a beautiful neighborhood.
Everybody looked like everybody else,
and everybody knew their place.
Now we got moolies dancing on every corner.
And if it ain't the moolies,
it's the Sputniks fresh off the boat.
It all started when the city went bust.
There were small-timers everywhere
stealing anything they could get their hands on.
One day they get caught,
the next day they're out and right back at it.
All of a sudden,
we're surrounded by goddamn amateurs.
- These are genuine cashmere.
They're worth a fortune.
- What am I supposed to do with a bunch of sweaters,
wipe my ass?
- Okay, think about this:
guy walks in your shop to pick up his gun.
He stops.
"Hey, that's a nice sweater. Is that cashmere?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is," you say.
"Why don't I make you a package deal,
a gun and a sweater."
Now he's warm and protected.
You're happy.
He's happy.
- I'm tired of you ratty losers coming in here.
First it was your dumbshit partner,
now I got to listen to the prodigal retard.
- Look, Connie, I'm really desperate.
I got to get Harry out of New York.
- What's wrong with him?
- 9/11.
The toxins filled up his lungs.
He can't even breathe right anymore.
[dog wheezing]
- How about this?
You give me the sweaters, I give you the .38.
You take the .38 home, put the dog out of its misery.
Then you do us all a favor and shoot yourself in the face.
- Screw you, Connie.
- Look at that goddamn loser.
When your grandfather ran this neighborhood,
the crooks were ltalian, and they were organized.
Now I barely recognize the place.
Never should've let anybody else on the block.
That's what started the decline.
Next thing you know,
we're surrounded by goddamn moolies.
- ¶ Never spit more than twenties ¶
¶ I'ma climb on the pound ¶
¶ Spittin' about Bentleys ¶
¶ I walk around town ¶
- ¶ And I'm focused, man ¶
¶ Provoke this man ¶
¶ And get ran over in your own promotions van ¶
- ¶ I'm bockin' hard top ¶
¶ Blades through my hamstrings ¶
¶ And if E's a devil ¶
¶ Let me do that damn thing ¶
- ¶ lf you want cash ¶
¶ Then shake it fast and watch yourself ¶
¶ Like you in the mirror and you 'bout to wash yourself ¶
- ¶ I'm checkmate 3G solid ¶
¶ You've lost your rook ¶
¶ Streets keep callin' but can't get through ¶
¶ I'm off the hook ¶
¶ And every noon I wake up ¶
¶ to six phillies and three dimes ¶
¶ Never early ¶
¶ If I ain't high by 4:20 I'm 7:30 ¶
- ¶ I got a hummer in a hummer ¶
¶ Was the best I made ¶
¶ Benz over and Mercedes now an Escalade ¶
¶ With these hoopty all around me, man ¶
¶ I can't lock it up ¶
¶ In the club ¶
¶ Only 50 cent in my pocket ¶
- ¶ Yo ho see me and stop ¶
¶ When I walk around the block ¶
¶ 'Cause my watch gives new meaning ¶
¶ to the phrase rock around the clock ¶
¶ Watch us ¶ bang this heat out ¶
¶ Coincidentally my heat rang the street out ¶
¶ I face some penalties for the brains I leak out ¶
¶ I own three dimes of green trees ¶
¶ Y'all felines fighting ¶
¶ But never seen cheese like three blind mice ¶
- Where's the ride, bitch?
Where's the ride, nigga? - We sold it.
- Why you gonna borrow money from me for a ride
and then sell the goddamn thing?
- Yeah, I don't know.
- Well, if you sold the ride, where's the goddamn money?
[gunshots]
[jazzy piano riff]
- Five, six, seven, eight.
[funky hip-hop beat]
- Got my money now?
- No.
- Guess I'm gonna have to shoot you, then.
- Hold on, baby.
What's that?
- Oh, she's my-my cousin, my third cousin.
- What's she doing under the sink?
- I don't know. She likes it.
- We're babysitting.
- Where are her parents?
- They went away.
- Like three years ago.
- I might just have to take her for payment.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Peckerwood, you don't understand what I'm saying.
I'ma take this little bitch and sell her ass
if you don't give me my money.
- That's cool.
[together] "That's cool"?
- You could, like,
totally sell her on the black market.
- What'd you say?
- Um, I mean, well, the dark market.
Or the gray market
where they deal in illegal goods, you know.
- Then we'd be even, right?
- You want to tell me what we're gonna do
with a cabbage patch kid?
- We're gonna see what we can get for her.
- Are you out of your mind?
- We're overextended, baby.
- What does that mean? - Ask your accountant.
- Outflows are exceeding inflows by a substantial amount.
- Goddamn street done dried up since 9/11.
- Streets haven't dried up.
You just haven't been able to collect
in the last three months.
- It ain't my fault.
Niggas is irresponsible these days.
- The whole ghetto's in default.
Localized housing bubbles have cause a drop in GDP.
- They have the money.
They just think your soft.
- What? - You heard me.
- The problem is,
white people ain't scared of black people no more.
Niggas like Will Smith are messing it up for everybody.
- The only thing that needs to be scared of you
is the furniture.
- Like you was really gonna shoot that guy, huh?
- Well, what are we gonna do?
- Moose, pull over.
- ¶ I barely spoke ¶
¶ And got 'em open wide ¶
¶ So when I make noise ¶
¶ Make room all jokes aside ¶
¶ Watch your kids ¶
¶ This cat is thirsty ¶
¶ Got schools of all seeds ¶
¶ Like a bag of dirt weed ¶
- ¶ You want to battle me ¶
¶ That'll be tragedy ¶
¶ Actually y'all be blackened like cavities ¶
¶ In a very rapid capacity ¶
¶ Certified psychopathic ¶
¶ The rap classic ¶
¶ Well above average ¶
¶ Still can get savage ¶
- Yeah? - So what do you think?
- She ain't yours, Buckwheat.
- But she's cute, right?
- Sure.
- I'll take an offer.
- How old is she?
- How old are you?
- Looks about eight.
I can probably get 60 grand for her.
My cut will be 40.
- 40? - I'm making the calls.
I'm setting up the deal.
I'm doing all the work.
Lazy bootlip. - What'd you say?
- I'm tired of you people running around the neighborhood
dressed like six-year-olds looking for handouts.
You don't like the deal,
get out of here before I call the cops.
- Don't you even think about it.
- Of course, the Reggie's got a piece.
They give you that at moolie school?
[gunshots]
- Screw you, Connie.
- ¶ That's right that's right ¶
¶ That's my trip ¶
¶ Black, white, and half niggas like ¶
¶ "That's my shit" ¶
- You'd think the moolies would've scared
everybody else away.
But every few years, a new mongrel shows up.
All of a sudden,
we're surrounded by goddamn Sputniks.
- ¶ Give my regards to Broadway ¶
¶ Remember me to Harold Square ¶
¶ Tell all the gang at 42nd Street ¶
¶ that I will soon be there ¶
- Thank you.
- [screams]
- [imitates phone ringing]
Technical support, how I help you?
[imitates phone ringing]
You reach hotline, what's your problem?
[imitates phone ringing]
Hello and God Bless America.
How may I support you technically?
How was audition?
- They called police.
- You should work on singing.
- Slava.
Walk.
- Lana.
What did you do?
- They do not understand my passion.
- We came here to be upstanding peoples.
- We came here to work.
- We cannot work without papers.
We cannot get papers because they fear us.
They fear us because you kill other actress.
- Slava.
We have no money, no work.
Everyone hates us.
- Still better than home.
- It will take ten years to become real American.
We need rent now.
- Maybe you should dance exotically.
- We need new plan.
- I am Lana.
We spoke on phone.
- Right.
For two, $100,000.
- How long?
- Get me the money, a week later, you got a new name.
- Can I choose name?
- What name you want?
- Sparkles.
- $5,000 extra.
- I do not have enough. - What do you have?
- Nothing.
- You're screwed.
[dramatic string music]
¶ ¶
You think I fall for that shit?
Go get a green card, Betsy Wetsy.
- Since 9/11 they do not give.
- I'm tired of you lousy DPs coming in here.
- What is DP?
- Dumb Polack.
- I am from Chechnya. - You look like a hucka lucka.
- What is hucka lucka? - Towelhead.
- We are Arab Slavs.
- Wonderful.
Get me 100 grand
or go back to riding camels in the snow.
Why do you want to be a citizen anyway?
- So I can be Broadway actress
and my brother can perform technical support.
- Get me the money, you'll be an American.
I have no idea if you can act.
So far I'm not impressed.
Good night.
- Where's the loot?
What's that? - Four sweaters.
- Four sweaters?
- Yeah, they're cashmere.
- What about the safe?
- Yeah, what about the safe?
Is there something you forget to tell me about that?
- No. - No?
The safe had buttons.
- The safe had buttons?
- Yeah, the safe had buttons. - What about the dial?
- No dial, just buttons. - Son of a bitch.
- You take 'em to Connie?
- Yeah.
She told me to shoot myself in the face.
- One of these days she's gonna get whacked.
- It's never gonna happen.
She's too connected. - Come on.
If the Don left her so much money,
why's she running that pawnshop?
- It's a front.
You know that little safe she's got on the counter?
- Yeah.
- There's like a million bucks in there.
- Then why would she leave it out in the open like that?
- To show you she's untouchable.
- I hate that bitch.
She gives us no respect.
- Why would she give us any respect?
- Me and Harry got to get out of the city.
It's poisonous.
- Where do you wanna go now?
- Tell you the truth...
been thinkin' about a boat.
- What do you mean, thinkin' about a boat?
Like you wanna live on a boat?
- We could sail down to the Jersey shore,
breathe in the fresh air...
- I didn't even know you liked boats.
- I love boats.
- I like boats too.
- You know you made it when you got a boat.
- Let's get a boat.
- Boats are a fortune, Fitzy.
- So let's do a job.
Let's do a real job.
- ¶ Shake it baby ¶
¶ Don't stop ¶
¶ Gettin' crazy ¶
¶ Punk rock ¶
¶ Everybody get it, get it ¶
¶ Don't stop ¶
¶ Get it, get it ¶
¶ Shake it like you're getting some ¶
¶ Stick it like chewing gum ¶
¶ Shake it till you know it's fun ¶
¶ That boy insane ¶
¶ You come ¶
¶ Then we walk across the floor ¶
¶ One by one, they drop drawers ¶
¶ Here they come like cop cars ¶
¶ You really want to get yours ¶
¶ Get yours, get yours ¶
- Look at all this shit.
Niggas and flies, two things I can't get rid of.
- ¶ But first you got to watch ¶
¶ Baby, then we got to talk ¶
¶ Baby, then we got to walk ¶
¶ Baby, to your house in style ¶
¶ Baby, then we gonna go inside ¶
- Hi.
What's your name?
- Emily.
- Would you like some juice, Emily?
- Where's my mommy?
- Who's this?
- This is Lila.
- Do you and Lila like chess?
You know how to play?
Well, you want me to teach you?
- Are you my new mommy?
- What's behind your ear?
- How did you do that?
- I'm gonna teach you.
- Well, we were about to learn chess.
- She needs to learn this first.
This is gangsta.
[loud hip-hop music]
- Hey, baby, I was thinking,
as much as I hate that Connie bitch,
maybe we should take the 20 grand.
I mean, I know it's a bad deal.
- What?
- I'm talkin' about Emily.
- Emily?
What you talkin' about Emily for?
[music stops]
- She's gold, baby.
I mean, we should take the 20 grand.
We could pay off everything.
And you know what?
Finally the Negroes get to sell a white kid.
- Ronald.
- What you wanna do, baby?
Oh, no? - Well, what else are we doin'?
We made all this money.
We got all this stuff.
We can't pay our bills.
We're not happy. - No.
- But this is clean, Ronny.
She's already eight.
She's house-trained.
She can count. The rest is easy.
- Do you know how much it costs to raise a kid?
- Well, Moose says it's about 40 grand a year...
[together] Assuming she doesn't need braces.
- You've been talkin' to Moose?
You've been thinkin' about it.
- You really want to bring a kid into this life?
- No.
We got to clean up.
- We can't afford to clean up.
I ain't sendin' that kid to public school.
She may end up unsavory.
- Well, we have to set an example.
- We need a lot of money to get out.
- So we do one more job.
- And you think robbing somebody is setting a good example?
- If that somebody deserves it.
- What did Connie say?
- I hate that bitch.
- How much?
- $100,000.
- So we go to Russian mafia.
- They will charge same.
- What will we do?
- We have to do job.
- We don't do that anymore.
- If they find us and send us back to Chechnya,
we will have no choice.
- $100,000 is big job.
- That bitch Connie has millions.
- Bad idea.
- She is old.
Easily scared.
[phone rings]
- Yeah?
- Hello, may I speak to Connie?
- Who the hell is this?
- Put $200,000 in bag.
Put bag in garbage can on corner.
- What?
- Put $200,000 in bag.
Put bag in garbage can on corner.
- Why would I do that?
- Do it...
or I will give you cancer.
- Is this that ruble head?
- We are Arab Slavs.
- Dougie!
- Yeah, Grandma?
- I need you to move the safe.
- Did you get the money?
- No.
- What will we do?
- I will call her and try again.
- Okay.
- I will call her ad infinitum until we get money.
- When comes ad infinitum?
[phone rings]
- Again?
[phone ringing]
[grunts]
- [gasps]
Dougie!
- Your men out front are protecting you.
They'll kill for you.
And they'll die for you.
And don't forget,
the object is to control the center.
Okay.
Give me my watch, please.
Thank you. - [giggles]
[sirens blaring]
- She's dead.
- What?
Who? - Connie.
- Connie died?
Are you sure?
- I don't know. Come on.
- Ma'am, stay calm...
- Grandma.
- Ma'am. - Okay, lady.
- Dino...
this is a sign.
- Moose...
this is a sign.
- Slava, this is sign.
- A sign of what?
- We will rob her ourselves.
- Is this good idea?
- Who will complain?
Everyone hates her.
- She is very dangerous woman, Lana.
- So am l.
- Ow.
- I hear your grandma's in the hospital.
- She dead?
- She needs surgery.
- Good afternoon, ma'am, my name is Mehai Cheng.
- I didn't call for takeout.
- No, ma'am, I'm a doctor.
I'm afraid you're gonna be here for a little while.
- I don't know what they taught you
in your chingaling med school
besides how to write names on rice,
but I ain't staying here another minute.
- You had a small coronary.
You're going to need bypass surgery,
or you could have a massive heart attack.
- Not by some slant.
I want a second opinion.
- Well, all right.
Who would you like to speak to?
- Go find me a Jew.
- So it's, uh, hot in here.
- Yeah.
- You got air conditioning? - No.
- What are those vents for?
- I don't know.
- Is that an internal alarm or does it go through NYPD?
- Well, why are you asking?
- You know, we're just curious.
- Oh, well, I'm sure it's linked to some sort of--
- What do you think the response time is on something like that?
- I have no idea. -This window.
Single paned or double paned?
- Your guess is as--
- You got a backup generator? - l-I think we have--
- How heavy is that safe?
You like boats?
- It's perfect.
We get in, we grab the thing,
we get out fast, no one gets hurt.
- You really think there's somethin' in there?
- Dino, come on.
- What if it's just personal stuff?
You know, photographs, keepsakes, feminine items.
- Are you kiddin' me?
Connie doesn't care about anything but money.
It's either cash or something very valuable.
- I don't know, Fitzy. - Hey.
You want respect, right?
We do this, we buy you a boat, and you got it.
Then we get you and Harry out on top.
- All right.
But we got to move fast.
We don't know how long she's gonna be in that hospital.
What do you wanna do first?
- Let's put your old team back together.
- ¶ Critically acclaimed ¶
¶ Clinically insane ¶
- I won't be long, baby.
I'm just gonna case the joint.
- What's case?
- Daddy's gonna look at the building
and see all the entrances and exits to it.
- Can Lila and I come case?
- Come on.
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Ronald, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
- ¶ Things happen 'cause I say so ¶
¶ Half the city on my payroll ¶
¶ I make up laws ¶
¶ Break those ¶
- All right.
If anybody comes, you shoot 'em.
- Moose gave you a piece, right?
- Okay.
Well, if somebody comes, you cut 'em.
You don't have a knife either?
All right, then just look mean.
- [growling]
- Shake your head.
[both growling]
You know what?
Why don't you just whistle.
Can you whistle?
- [loudly expels air]
- Okay, for now, just yell.
- Go look out for Daddy.
- ¶ The lchiban Don Mega ¶
¶ Razor sharp with my part ¶
¶ Connected to the streets ¶
¶ Like sidewalks ¶
¶ The Ray Liotta of the ghetto Goodfellas ¶
¶ My graffiti letters make the whole hood jealous ¶
- [whistles]
- That's great, baby.
- What you doin' there?
- Uh...
- I'm lost.
Can you help me find my Mommy?
- Well, sure.
- Oh, my god.
- There she is.
- I found her all the way around the side of the building, ma'am.
- Oh, she wandered off.
Thank you so much.
- Okay, well, keep an eye on her.
She's a cutie.
- Thank you. - Okay.
- Lila likes casing. - That's my girl.
- She's coming, no doubt.
- No, she's not.
- Hell yes she is.
She's a good cover.
She can even drive the van.
- So what's the deal? - The deal is a bad deal.
Bars on all the windows, live alarm.
- So Moose is gonna need time to work it.
- I don't want to waste time with alarms.
I want to blast in tomorrow night.
Take it.
If we move quick enough, we can get out of town
before they even know what hit 'em.
- Uh, can I help you?
- It is too hot in here.
I am going to take off my clothes.
- Oh, my God.
- What is your name?
- l-I'm Douglas.
My name's Douglas.
- Douglas.
I wish you to take me to your bed.
- Yeah.
Okay, sure.
- Now. - Now?
Right, okay, back in a minute.
Okay, it's um...
this-this way.
- I know it's kind of small,
but a man's home is his castle, right?
- This small shit apartment crushes my soul.
- I'm sorry.
- You will make love to me now.
- Uh...
yeah, maybe we're rushing into this a little too fast.
- Now, little man, we will make love now.
- Okay.
- Tonight I will give you brutal Russian sex,
and tomorrow night you will let me into pawnshop.
- Well, I'm not sure I want brutal Russian sex.
- You will like it, piece of shit.
- Ow!
Oh.
Wait a minute. - Quiet.
- Wait, wait, what are you doin'?
What are you doin'?
[screaming]
That was awesome.
And really confusing.
- That was just the beginning.
- Oh, oh baby.
- Never do a job without an Oriental.
We need an Oriental for karate and computer stuff.
Now, this guy's the best.
I used to work with him back in the day.
They called him the White Tiger.
- Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
- We're lookin' for the White Tiger.
- The White Tiger's no longer with us.
- What, he go to lunch?
- I think he means he's dead.
We're very sorry to hear that.
Who are you?
- My name is Bo.
The White Tiger was my uncle.
I'm the Gay Ninja.
And you are?
- Don't worry about our names.
- Dino Gallucio.
- Gay Ninja?
What's that all about?
- I'm protected by the power of my dead uncle.
- Yeah, yeah, that's great.
What's up with the gay thing?
- I think he means happy gay. - You mean happy gay?
- Sure.
- Huh. - Huh.
- So the White Tiger was your master?
- Uncle?
Yes.
- But you're definitely a ninja.
- Definitely.
- So, Bo...
you wanna make some serious money?
- Sure.
- How tall are you?
- 5'8".
- What? - We need a tall guy.
- Why?
- Never do a job without a tall guy.
This is Big Jim.
- This animal with you?
- Yeah, he's with us.
- Okay to talk in front of him?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he won't say nothin'.
So you ever do any alarm work? - No.
- You good with electronics? - Nuh-uh.
- You mind working with a team?
- I don't get along real well with people.
- Show him how tall you are.
- 6'6".
Plus the hat.
- Yeah.
You got blueprints here?
- Submit a photo lD and form 422A,
Public Architectural Retrieval Request.
- No public.
This is between you and me.
- 422A.
[loud hip-hop music]
- Hey, Pops!
Let me get the structural and soil reports
on a commercial building.
- Reason?
- What?
- The reason you want the reports?
- They're public, right?
- I have to enter a reason for their retrieval.
- Since when?
- Since 9/11.
- All right, well, put down whatever you want.
Just keep it quiet.
- Okay, uh, I need to assess their value
for insurance purposes.
- It's your building?
- Yeah, okay.
- Is it your building, sir?
- What is ownership anyway?
- Well, if it's not your building,
why do you want to insure it?
- Well, uh, I thought it'd be a nice thing to do.
- I have to say, I'm having a hard time believing you.
- Why?
'Cause I'm black?
- No, because what you're telling me is ridiculous.
- I should get really mad at you right now.
But I can't.
Instead I feel sorry for you, sir,
because you are ignorant.
Let me enlighten you.
Black people, we like to insure each other's property
all the time,
and I'm not gonna explain that to you,
because, frankly, you wouldn't understand.
Yo, I'll be back.
- You didn't write down the address
of the building you want the blueprints for.
- Don't worry about it.
Sometimes I like to look at the blueprints of a building
in case maybe I want to build that building again
someplace else.
So just get the blueprints.
- I need to know which building.
- Why?
- It's our policy.
- Since when? - Since 9/11.
- Yeah, forget about it.
I'll blueprint it myself.
- "Yes, please, I need patent formula and design
for Securitex front load depository safe."
- Yes, go get it.
- We don't have that here.
- Is this not Ministry of lnformation?
- This is the Department of Planning.
We have building plans and permits.
- Okay, go get that.
- Fill out the form.
- That Mac or PC?
- I don't know.
- It give you trouble?
- All the time.
- You have problems, you let me know.
- I fix Windows, DOS, Commodore 64, Wang.
- Thanks.
- I'll need a photo lD.
- Certainly.
- Alexander Hamilton?
- That's my name.
Don't wear it.
- Says here you're blonde, blue-eyed, and 6'2".
- Yes, thank you.
- Your photo lD has to look like you.
- Why?
- It's our policy.
- Since when? - Since 9/11.
- Oh, okay.
I go now.
- Would you turn that down, please?
I would recommend a standard composition C-4.
- What?
- C-4.
- Where'd you get that?
- Office Mania.
- We need to make it through several reinforced walls.
- Okay.
You're gonna want a shape charge then.
This is in our highly explosive family.
- Do you have to use that?
- It's convenient, bitch.
- Ronald, your language.
- I got to keep it gangsta, baby.
- Yeah..
- You know, that is an offensive term for people.
- Dynamite, baby!
That's what the Coyote used to blow up the Roadrunner.
- Wile E? Coyote never blew up the Roadrunner.
- Shut up, nigga! - Hey, guys.
You're gonna need fuses also.
- What we need, Moose, 15?
- No you got to-- - You know what?
Start with 50.
- I always tell people to start with 50 if they don't know.
- 50 feet? - Please.
- How far away do want to be from the bomb?
- 100 feet? - You have to move the pointer.
- Moose. - I'm thinkin'.
I'm thinkin'.
I'm new at this, you know.
- What do you mean you're new at this?
- There's a first time for everything, nigga.
- You can always come back.
We're open till sundown every day except Saturday.
- Why don't we just buy a ladder?
- I'm not paying for it.
That's the problem with this job.
No budget.
- Hey fellas, how can I help you?
- We need to borrow a ladder.
- Mind telling me what for?
- We're gonna make some real money.
- We need to rescue a cat. - We do?
They didn't tell me about that.
- Okay, come on.
We got an 8-foot extendable, 10-foot fixed,
15-foot extendable.
- Wow, your ladders are huge.
- Thanks.
- Hey, can I help you?
- Yes, we are looking for enriched uranium.
- Must be 20% U-235 isotope or higher.
- And what do you need that for?
- Nuclear power for safe-cracking machine.
- Oh, okay.
Uh...excuse me for asking, but where are you from?
- We live here.
- Go Yankees. - And Mets.
- No, I mean, like, where are you from originally?
- We are Arab Slavs.
- Yeah.
I don't think we got any uranium.
- Do you have any other nuclear material?
- Let me check. - Perhaps he can order.
- Yeah, I need the police
and, like, Homeland Security,
and, like, maybe the army.
Come down to Al's Hardware store on Hoyt Street.
- He will talk when he wake up.
- He will not remember.
How will we power machine?
- We can use six-volt battery.
- [imitates phone ringing]
Good evening, technical support.
Of course, I will be delighted to help you.
- Slava.
Machine.
- Everybody listen up.
This is a big job--
need to be organized.
This'll be planning central.
Everything we need to know about the job will go here.
And this is the safe.
Now we're going in tomorrow night.
We need a plan to get in, get this thing, and get out.
Dino, blueprints to the shop.
Uh, okay.
Even though it's an old store,
very good possibility she's got it alarmed,
at least right through here at the front door.
- And the walls, floor too.
- Maybe even the air.
The air in the room is very probably alarmed.
- Bo, your job is to interface with the computers
and knock out the alarm.
- Okay. - Okay.
Dino, you and Big Jim- - Wait.
How do I do that?
- You're the Oriental.
- Oh.
No, sorry, I don't know.
- You don't know?
- I don't like computers.
I like people.
- You know karate, though, right?
- I'm protected by the power of my dead uncle.
- Right.
We're just gonna have to find another way to get in.
- Okay.
Now, these tape marks indicate our path
through the ventilation system in Connie's pawnshop.
Dino, you're gonna go first.
Now, in actuality this shaft is about 50 feet longer.
So let's all just, uh...
crawl in place for a minute.
- All right, Dino, make the turn.
- Okay, now after this turn,
we're about 10 feet away from being on top of the safe.
- How are we gettin' around these?
- Just move 'em.
- Am I gonna be able to just move 'em when we're in there?
- There's not gonna be any pizza boxes
in the air-conditioning vents.
- Are we really going in there?
- Why, are you getting cold feet?
- No.
But it's really, really dark in there.
- That's why we've all got flashlights.
- We do?
Can I have one?
- Bo, I told everyone to bring flashlights.
I've got a flashlight.
Dino's got a flashlight.
- Never do a job without a flashlight.
- Big Jim's got a flashlight.
- Nope.
Figure I'd steal one from the shop.
- That's a good idea.
- Dino, you got a flashlight.
You hoppin' in first.
- I'm not going in first.
Let somebody else go first. - Why?
- I went first in rehearsal.
- Yeah, I don't want to go in first either.
- Me neither.
- Fine, I'll go first.
- It's this one?
- No. One more.
- This one, right?
- No. One more.
Why are we stopping?
- It's a dead end. - Dead end?
Hang on.
- You're right.
It's one back.
Back up.
Okay, let's go.
Right. Go right.
No, no, left, left.
Sorry.
- Little man. - Oh, my god.
- You will let us into shop now.
- I don't really think that that's a--
- Get up! - Okay.
Hello.
What did you guys need?
[hip-hop music]
¶ ¶
- Plan B.
Hold on.
Make sure the coast is clear.
- One.
Two.
Three.
- That's it?
- Maybe we didn't use enough.
I told you I was new at this.
- Shit.
Give me the keys.
[tires screeching]
[loud crash]
God damn it!
- Maybe we should just go around back.
- Dead end.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- Maybe she moved it.
- Maybe she moved what?
- The safe.
- That could be.
- She didn't move the safe.
There's not a dead end in the air-conditioning system
because she moved the safe!
That doesn't make any sense!
- Drink.
- Why? What'd you put in it?
- Medicine.
- Medicine?
- Sex medicine.
- You mean like Viagra?
Is it Viagra? - Yes, Vagra.
Drink.
- Okay. Yeah.
All right.
How long until this takes effect?
- Not long.
Sit.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think I'm already starting to feel it.
This is gonna be so--
- Yes.
- We have problem.
Safe has been moved.
- How did safe get there?
- Perhaps little man moved it.
- Don't be stingy with that shit.
We ain't blowing up this wall all night.
Use all of it.
- Are you sure that's a good idea?
- That was some sorry ass shit back there.
We could've got caught.
Use all of it.
- What the--
How'd you get there? - I thought you were behind me.
- You were the one supposed to bring a compass.
- Who brings a damn compass to a job, for Christ's sake?
- Never-- - Oh, shut up.
- What do we do?
[voices overlapping]
- Vermin.
- Nobody touches my hat.
- Bo, what are you doing? - I think I'm almost there.
- Is he crawling in place?
- I believe he is.
- Just a few more feet.
- We were here a half hour ago.
- [moaning]
- Little man is moaning.
- They sound big.
[metallic squeaking]
- Little man is squeaking.
- Very big.
- It's an earthquake.
- Oh, no.
Nobody move. Bo, stop crawling!
- Oh, this is gonna hurt.
[screaming]
[coughing and groaning]
Who are you?
- We are Arab Slavs.
Why are you here?
- And why are you here?
- Stay where you are.
- Uh-uh.
- You brought a gun? - Of course I brought a gun.
- You didn't bring your piece, Fitzy?
- No. - Was it in the shop?
- I didn't know I needed it.
- You always bring a gun to a job.
- Are your guns real? - Yes.
- They're so cute.
- You.
- Yeah?
- You are tall.
- 6'6".
Plus the hat.
- You can reach safe.
- Huh.
She moved it.
- What'd I tell you?
Never do a job without a tall guy.
- You will get safe for us.
- No, I will get safe for us.
- But how will you open it?
- How will you open it?
- We have machine.
- Ready?
- We don't want to have an accident.
- Emily, cover your ears.
This is gonna be loud. - Who is that?
- Come on, Moose.
- I hope we don't start a fire.
Step back.
Okay, I'm doing it.
One.
Two.
Three.
- ¶ Critically acclaimed ¶
¶ Clinically insane ¶
- Who the hell are you people?
- Shit!
- What are you doing here? - What y'all doing here?
- Stupid question.
- Wait a second.
You mean to tell me that none of you had any idea
we were gonna hit this joint tonight?
- That's unbelievable.
- All right, enough talk.
Take 'em out, Bo!
- We're lookin' for the White Tiger.
- The White Tiger's no longer with us.
The White Tiger was my uncle.
I'm the Gay Ninja.
I'm protected by the power of my dead uncle.
- Where's that safe?
Son of a bitch.
- It's ours.
We got the tall guy.
- And you think you're just gonna walk out of here
with that safe and down the sidewalk?
We got a truck outside.
- Screw you.
- How will you open?
- We can open.
- Screw all y'all.
- What do we do now?
- I have no idea.
- Dougie!
Get that thing out of here!
- But the doctor said--
- I don't care what that miserable kike said.
I'm not having surgery, and I'm not usin' a chair.
Any sign of weakness,
the animals around here will attack.
Give me my cane.
- You want we should get you some dinner?
- Oh, whatever, just get out of here.
- We'll be back. - Oh, yeah, yeah.
Dougie!
Dougie.
Jesus.
Hey!
This place is a mess.
You were supposed to be taking care of the place,
not sleeping.
Lard ass.
[all screaming]
- [laughs]
- Holy...
- Shit.
- We killed Connie.
- Maybe she's fakin' it.
- Hey, Dino.
- Okay, look, we got to get out of here
before the goons come back.
- What is goons? - Big fat ltalians.
- What are we gonna do?
- I know what I'm doing.
I'm going to get the safe.
- Uh-uh.
- Damn it!
All right, look, look,
why don't we all just- just calm down here, okay?
Now look, we don't even know what's in that thing.
- Feminine items. - Precious jewels.
- Tax free treasuries.
- I heard it's someone's soul.
- Maybe it's a kitten! - Maybe it's a kitten!
- Perhaps it is hope.
- Stop!
We don't know.
But I think we need each other to find out what it is.
Look, we need to act like we're all on the same team here.
- What team? - We ain't on the same team.
- Yeah, we're, uh...
we're on a team of Americans.
- Fitzy, I don't think they're Americans.
- Dino, shut up.
We're all Americans.
And we all love money.
But we don't want to work for it.
- So what?
So no one's leaving here without that safe.
And it seems pretty obvious to me
that we all need each other to finish this job.
So why don't we just split the loot?
That way no one gets hurt.
'Cause I didn't bring my gun,
and I don't feel like getting shot tonight.
- I got a dachshund at home that needs me.
- I got an eight-year-old to take care of.
I'm tired, and I feel a little PMS coming on.
- Me too.
- You're probably on the same cycle on account of this job.
- Dino, please.
Come on, let's all just put the guns down, all right?
Big Jim?
This is what you're here for.
He's not tall enough.
- Just wait.
- The hell is that?
- Not much.
- It's nothing.
- Disappointing.
- Probably ain't worth shit.
- Ronald, your language.
- My bad.
Probably ain't worth shoot.
- Looks like a doubloon.
- Maybe it's gelt.
- What is gelt? - Hanukkah chocolate.
- Are you Jewish? - Yeah, on my father's side.
- Oh, so technically, no.
- I am if you asked Hitler.
- What, is he coming in next?
- What're we supposed to do with that?
- Freeze!
- FBl.
Drop your weapons and put your hands up.
- Who are you?
- Six months ago we were assigned
to the New York bureau as senior agents.
- Lieutenants, I have an assignment for you.
- Is it dangerous?
- Are we going into the field?
- You're goddamn right you are.
Here's the deal.
We just arrested Chi Chi Gutierrez,
and he told us that the 84th Street Gang
is smuggling cocaine in ceramic monkey figurines
down at the docks at midnight tonight.
So what I need from the two of you
is to pick up my dry cleaning, because I'm gonna miss it.
[laughter]
- If he's not gonna give us anything,
we need to open a case on our own.
We need to prove ourselves.
- Let me show you something.
- We've been on this case since the beginning.
- But when we started surveillance,
we realized we weren't the only ones watching this place.
You didn't know about each other,
but we knew about you.
And while we watched you all fumble around,
we just gathered evidence and waited to make our move.
- The boss had noticed us working late every night,
and now suddenly, he was taking an interest.
- Girls, I've noticed something recently.
You seem unsatisfied.
Is everything okay?
- Well, no.
- What's wrong?
- Why are we still doing desk work?
- Why haven't we been promoted?
- Honestly, girls,
you still haven't proved yourselves in the field,
or, for that matter, in this office.
[giggling]
[together] We want to go undercover.
- I like the sound of that.
Now, let's see how you handle the head of the FBl.
- I think I figured out a way we can both relax.
- Mmm, I'm all yours.
- Hey!
This one was imagining us as lesbians, Samantha.
I saw him! - No!
No, I wasn't thinking that.
- Listen, jackass, we're not here for you to drool over.
- We are senior agents
of the Federal Bureau of lnvestigation, buddy!
- Okay!
Okay, you followed us here.
No lesbian stuff happened.
- Okay, everyone, drop your weapons
and put your hands up!
- What are you doing? - What they said.
- Pick up your gun.
We got 'em outnumbered. - No, that's okay.
I wanna go with them.
- Dino, pick up your gun.
- Drop 'em or he dies.
Now, I've done this a few times already.
So if I kill him, makes no difference.
But you two are gonna get in some serious trouble.
So I suggest you throw those guns on the ground.
Somebody tie 'em up.
- I'll do it.
- So what do we do about the--
What the hell?
Did she just swallow that thing?
- Fat American.
- Emily, did you just eat that?
- Why'd you do that, baby?
- Chocolate.
- It was chocolate?
- Emily, honey, that wasn't chocolate.
- Oh, so it's my fault?
- Somebody needs to make that girl throw up!
- Cough it up, kid!
Cough it up!
- Whee!
- Put her down!
Put her down!
- No one's got an extra gun?
- Either she coughs it up or I gut her right here.
- Put her down, Big Jim.
We said we'd split the loot.
- We don't even know what that thing is.
- They do.
- What was in safe?
- Spit it out.
- It's the Double Eagle. - What's that?
- First issued in 1850,
the Double Eagle gold piece was struck using gold ore
from the California Gold Rush.
- President Franklin Roosevelt discontinued the coin
when he eliminated the Gold Standard
during the Great Depression.
- Yes.
All coins in circulation were confiscated.
All but three were recovered and melted.
Two were given to the Smithsonian.
- The last was retained by King Farouk of Egypt.
- But the king was deposed in a coup d'etat,
and the coin disappeared for 50 years.
[together] Dino.
- I'm Dino.
Sorry.
- Shortly after September 11th,
a relief worker admitted to stealing a coin
he'd found outside a destroyed World Trade Center vault.
- He confessed to selling the coin to a certain pawnshop,
but local police suspiciously dropped the case.
- Connie.
- We're senior agents
with the Federal Bureau of lnvestigation.
- Numismatics Division.
- That is so hot.
- How much is it worth? - It doesn't matter.
You can't steal a coin that famous
and then auction it.
- Yeah, yeah, just give us a number.
- It is a priceless American artifact
and a symbol of our history.
- Estimate.
- The Smithsonian auctioned one of theirs
Iast year at Christie's for $8 million.
- Big Jim?
Why don't you put the kid down real slow.
- Emily, are you okay, sweetheart?
- Don't be scared, baby.
- We are splitting little girl, correct?
- Y'all need to back up.
- It's worthless!
- You just said it's worth 8 million bucks.
- We told you, you can't auction it,
and you can't fence it either.
No one on the street will touch it.
It belongs to Connie.
- We ain't got to worry about her anymore.
- And what about her ghost? - Where?
- What do you mean? - You killed her.
- But we didn't mean to. - Doesn't matter.
You'll have every goon in the country chasing you
for the rest of your lives.
[horn honks]
- Sounds like they're right outside.
- Come on, move it, move it. Hurry up.
- We can make a deal. - We can protect you.
The goons don't have to know you were ever here.
Let them blame the Feds.
- We can give you anything you want.
- Anything? - Anything.
- We want a boat. - We want green card.
- Cold hard cash. - Diversified portfolio?
- I want a pony! - I want a pony!
- Okay, okay, stop.
We'll take care of all of you if you just give us the girl.
She's got the coin.
- No deal.
We're not giving her up for nothin'.
- You are going to be running from us
and from them forever.
- Connie!
Connie!
- Is that really what you want for your little girl?
- All right.
- Ronald!
- I don't want her on the run for the rest of her life.
- Connie? - Are you all right in there?
- Well, help me.
- Hey, sweetie.
You're gonna have to go with the girls now.
- But what did I do wrong?
- You didn't do anything wrong, baby.
It's just that that coin you ate,
well, it doesn't belong to us.
So you're gonna have to give it back.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Give me that crowbar.
- Open this door!
- The deal's still on?
- Well--
- Hey, you got the coin back.
- A deal's a deal.
- Or we could leave you tied up for goons.
- I'm giving you to the count of three.
One.
- The deal is still good.
Just untie us and get out of here.
- I got it.
- What's going on in there?
- Open up, I said!
- See you ladies down at headquarters.
- Open this door
or we're gonna break it down, I swear!
- Hey, who's in there?
- You better let us in.
I'm telling ya.
[giggling]
- Hi.
- Connie!
Connie!
[together] Freeze!
[sirens blaring]
- Hey, take it easy, huh?
I'm going in; I'm going in.
- Lieutenants.
You'd better come take a look at this.
- ¶ I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy ¶
¶ a Yankee Doodle do or die ¶
¶ A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam ¶
¶ born on the Fourth of July ¶
¶ I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart ¶
¶ she's my Yankee Doodle joy ¶
[cell phone rings]
- Manhattan Cable.
Slava speaking, how I help you?
Mmm.
Okay.
I be there between today and Thursday.
If you not home, I never come back.
Thank you for calling Manhattan Cable.
- ¶ I am that Yankee Doodle boy. ¶
- All right guys, let's take five.
We'll come back, do it again.
- It looks good.
- Mommy, can l skip chess practice?
- You ready for your tournament?
- Yes.
- Are you sure?
- I'm working late, baby.
- I haven't seen you all week.
- I'm sorry, but they're working me.
- I haven't seen you either, Daddy.
- I'm sorry, sweetie.
- Well, they need to give you a day off.
- That's the deal, baby.
Come on now, ready for school?
- Guys, let me congratulate you on your first boat.
[laughter]
Now, let me tell you though,
for every hour sailing,
you got six hours of maintenance.
This boat needs to be cleaned, scrubbed, and waxed every trip.
Your bilge has got to be cleaned every day.
And that's a grimy job.
Now I'm gonna start you off.
I'm gonna get some buckets, some rags, a lot of soap,
and you're gonna start cleaning.
- What do you wanna do now?
- I'm thinking we sell the boat.
- Good, yeah, I can't stand boats.
- Holy shit.
You think she's come to take our souls away?
- I don't know, is that how it works?
- I don't know, but I'm not sticking around to find out.
- Sit down, loser!
- Okay.
But, Connie,
before you take our souls back to the underworld,
I just want you to know that we are very, very sorry
that we killed you.
- I wasn't dead.
- But I kicked you.
- Dino. - I did.
She was dead like a rock.
- It's called a coronary episode.
You should have called an ambulance
instead of kicking me, retard.
Now, you're gonna get me my coin back.
- How we gonna do that?
- They got it in some fancy exhibit uptown.
- Wait a second.
We don't work for you.
- I've been watching you amateurs
for the past few months, and you know what?
You can change your clothes, pretend you're somebody else.
But you're crooks.
You're rotten, and you're never gonna change.
- Screw you, Connie.
- And if you don't do this job,
I'll have my fat friends cut off your limbs,
set fire to your boat, and eat your dog.
- I'm in. - Wait a minute.
You've been pushing us around
ever since we moved into this neighborhood.
You want to work with us,
you got to offer us something more than threats.
- How 'bout 10%?
- 10% of what?
- I got a dot head in Bombay
ready to give me $5 million for it.
- So we're talkin' $5,000?
- $500,000?
- But this ain't something you losers can do yourselves.
You got to split it with your other partners.
- What other partners?
- Maybe we should go back to the Feds
and have them witness protection us or something.
- Not me.
I love New York.
- $500,000 could pay for middle school.
- And high school.
- This is a big job.
- That's for damn sure.
- Let's go.
- So what are we thinking?
- I'm thinking they got big vents in there.
- I'm thinking we need a lot of dynamite.
- Ronald, this is a great institution.
- Aw, come on, baby.
- I will seduce security.
- Lana, they must have 100 guards.
- Yes.